i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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