two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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