remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
