dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.