Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.