I just pynch a tree in the face
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
