Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
