Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
