yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Randomize
