he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
