yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
