you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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