One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
