We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying