hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail