I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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