I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
