Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Sacagawea was the original milf.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".