You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.