it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
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I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
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Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
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