I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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