well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
