I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
