Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
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