Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
It's not a walk of shame if you run
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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