Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
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What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize