I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
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she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.