You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
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You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
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somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...