Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.