He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
