My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
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Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
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I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
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