Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Randomize
