you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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