I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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