I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
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I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
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He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes