My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
