What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
