But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
So many bounce houses so little time
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT