i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered