i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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