She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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