i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
