how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
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