apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Randomize
