I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Randomize
