I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
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