No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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