we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
