I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
