i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
