my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
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Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
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I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together