this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
