the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Randomize