I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
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But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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