This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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