I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
