Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
